new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
