My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
