she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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