oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
