the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
