the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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