I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Randomize
