good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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