Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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