so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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