dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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