when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
