Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
