i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
