I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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