the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Your penis caused this!
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
