No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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