I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
