Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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