Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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