Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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