So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
he was CRYING into my vagina
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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