please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
