He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
