I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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