a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Randomize
