he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Randomize
