Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
