so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize