My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
