too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
