im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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