I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
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