so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
