did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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