My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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