he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
