Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
