you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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