So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize