im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
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