its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
