a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
