i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
i believe in u and ur pee
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
