Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
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