the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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