Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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