i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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