I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
