either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
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