rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
