Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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