Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
