the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
