captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
