I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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