I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
This is my gift to your gina
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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