When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
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