I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize