Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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